semana santa pa rin

tanghaling tapat nang dumating kami galing probinsya. oo, medjo napahaba ang bakasyon namin nitong semana santa. kunsabagay, halos lahat ng okasyon pinalampas namin dahil sa trabaho, ngayon nga lang naman kami bumabawi.

mula myerkules santo ay nasa probinsya na ako at noon lamang hwebes santo ko napagtanto na totoong marami na talagang tradisyon ang nagbabago sa paglipas ng panahon, katulad na lamang ng panata ng aming pamilya tuwing semana santa.

tuwing semana santa, nagpapabasa ng pasyon ang aking pamilya. namulat ako sa ganitong pampamilyang tradisyon noong nabubuhay pa ang aking mga lolo at lola na ama at ina ng aking ama. noong panahon na iyon, napansin ko na wala na ang mga isang katerbang jeep na galing sa mga barrio. wala na ang mga matatandang nagbabasa ng buhay ni kristo sa mga tonong paiba iba.. nagbabago sabay ng mga pagbabago ng pahina at yugto ng buhay nitong hesus na pinapatungkulan.. wala na rin ang mga magluluto na buong araw at buong gabi na nagdadala ng mga masasarap na pagkain at salabat sa mga kumakanta. wala na ang mga nakakalulang mga litson at iba pang putaheng baboy na bawal sana sa panahong ito, ngunit inihahanda ng sagana at sarap na sarap namang kinakain ng sa mga panauhin. wala na rin ang mga malalakas na speakers na tumutulong upang marinig ng mga wala sa 'basahan' ang mga pagkantang ito..

napansin kong kami kami na lang ngayon.. pamilya at ilang kaibigan.. sala na sa alas tres ang kanta upang hindi mapuyat. wala na rin ang mga litson. inihaw at sinigang na mga isda ang nakahain. mayroon pa ring mga matamis na hinanda, pero iilang putahe na lang sa normal na mesa. wala na ang halos walang katapusang mesa ng malapiging na mga ulam at kakanin.

may naramdaman akong kakaiba.. isang saglit habang ako'y nagbabasa rin ng pasyon.. halong awa at sindak tungkol sa aking nabasang kwento ng buhay ng mama na mamamatay sa byernes santong iyon. parang may kumalabit sa dibdib ko.. ewan ko ba..naghanap na lang ako ng sigarilyo ko.. hindi ko pa kayang mag isip ng mga mahahalagang bagay sa ngayon.

religion test daw..

The Religion Test
Find the Faith That Fits Your Beliefs

Nathalie, your belief system is best suited to religions that value internal spiritual reflection, your religious beliefs have the most in common with Buddhism.

How do we know? While you were taking this test, we compared your religious beliefs against 10 of the world's most common religions. Your score shows that you share core beliefs with religions that leave it up to you to seek your own spiritual growth, with some guidance.

You are attracted to religions that do not try to explain whether there is an ultimate God, or what proper rituals and sacrifices are required to bring you closer to God. You seek a spiritual connection though reflection and contemplation. You also have a great sense of personal accountability for individual actions and a deep respect for life.

reading is a luxury

if i had time for myself for one day, just one day..just me.. no work.. no errands... no responsiblities (as if the house would collapse if i died and choked on my toe)... nobody.. as in nobody around... hayy... that would be purely bliss.. just one day ha... and i don't have to do anything, nor talk to anybody, submit works finished, assign stuff, play with my son (but i do playing with my kid..super)... if i didn't have anything really to do for one day.. just one day.. one very lucky day of wanton abandon....i would be doing something i've been itching to do for the past few years.. i've been salivating about it, dreaming about it, hayy... if only i had one day.. i would read a good book.. hay...

semana santa

semana santa na.. sa totoo lang, holy tuesday ngayon hindi ba? pero bakit kaya hindi ko maramdaman.. parang noong paskong hindi maramdaman ang kasayahan.. ano nga ba ang gusto kong maramdaman?

hindi ko alam..

paminsan hindi ko nga malaman kung may nararamdaman pa ako. pathetic ba.. pero totoo naman.. kunsabagay galak na galak ako pag nagpapatawa at naglalambing ang anak ko.. nasasayahan din naman ako tuwing dumarating ang sahod ko mula sa banyaga kong amo. masaya rin ako pag naririnig ko ang boses ng mga kapatid ko mula sa ibang bansa. may nararamdaman din naman akong magaan at kapayapaan pag nakikita kong masaya ang mag-ama ko sampu na ang aking mga magulang at mga kapatid na andito. tuwing mayroong mga proyektong magandang dumarating, excited naman akong tumatawag pa sa aking kaibigan upang ibalita kahit na dis-oras na ng gabi, kesehodang mayroong pribadong ginagawa ang babaeng ito sa mga panahong mga ito.. nakakaramdam din naman ako ng sakit. ng pait. ng pighati.

ano nga ba ang gusto kong maramdaman para sumaya ako..

napakadami ko namang gustong mangyari para sumaya. hindi kaya pwedeng sumaya na lang akong basta? ano pa ba ang hinahanap ko.. masaya naman kami ng asawa ko't anak. maayos naman ang aming hanapbuhay. malulusog pa at masaya rin naman ang buhay ng aking mga magulang pati na rin ang aking mga kapatid. parati namang parang masaya ako, bakit ba gusto ko pang sumaya ng mas parati. hindi na ba ako makukuntento kahit kailan? ano ba?

hindi ko alam. basta alam kong mayroong kulang na hindi ko nararamdaman.

oo maarte na kung maarte. pero hindi siguro ako matatahimik hangga't hindi ko nahahanap itong natatanging bagay o pakiramdam na ito. sa kabila ng napakaraming magagandang bagay na nangyayari sa aking buhay, ano ba itong di ko maipaliwanag na hinahanap hanap ko na parang nag-iiwan ng patla sa aking pagkatao.

dahil ba semana santa kaya bigla kong naisipang magnilay nilay?

hindi ko talaga alam. mashado pa akong maraming ginagawa ngayon para pag-isipan itong mga bagay na ito. sana nitong mga darating na araw ay magkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na pag-isipan kung saan ko ba hahanapin ang sagot sa tanong o kawalan na matagal nang bumabagabag sa akin. sana sa semana santang ito, magkaroon din ako ng pagkakataon na magnilay nilay ng tunay, at balikan ang nilalaman ng isip at puso ko. baka sakaling naroon lang pala ang hinahanap ko. leche..

Sabi ko na bakla ako eh..

Gender Identity
Are You More Masculine or Feminine?

Nathalie, you're 60% masculine!

This is based on how you scored on a variety of traits that, founded on classic research and our own studies, are typically associated with men.

You're also 40% feminine, which is based on how you scored on traits that are typically associated with women. When we compare your results with other women it shows that you are somewhat more masculine than other women.

But what is gender identity exactly? A person's gender identity is defined by the extent to which they see themselves as masculine or feminine. Every person possesses both masculine and feminine qualities to some degree, however the extent to which each person has these qualities differs widely. While you were taking the test, we calculated your scores in 6 areas typically defined as masculine and 6 areas typically defined as feminine.

masaya ang buhay

bumisita ang aking mga magulang nitong nakaraang linggo. at dahil mayroong isang salu-salo dahil sa isang panooring inaabangan ng halos buong bansa, nagtipon tipon ang mga kalalakihang manginginom dito sa amin at walang patumanggang tunggaan ang nangyari .at sa kalagitnaan nito, ako ay nakisali upang makipagkwentuhan.. habang lumalalim ang kwentuhan (na umiikot sa kwento ng buhay ng aking isang nakababatang kapatid), nakapulot na naman ako ng isang ginintuang aral mula sa aking ama. sabi nya "mga anak, maganda ang buhay. masaya ang buhay. nasasaiyo kung gusto mong tuloy tuloy kang sumaya at nasasaiyo din kung gusto mong sirain ang buhay nyo at gawing malungkot--masama".. shempre alam na dapat nating lahat ito.. pero sa pagkakataong ito, napaisip akong mabuti. hindi dahil sa hindi ako masaya sa buhay. malayo ito.. masaya ako.. wala akong gustong kumbinsihin, sinasabi ko lang ang totoo. masaya ako dahil sa kaibuturan ng puso ko, malaya ako. pero itong kalayaang ito ba ay aking isinabubuhay, o baka naman mas maraming pagkakataon na ikinukulong ko ang aking sarili sa mga rehas na ako rin lang ang may gawa?

madalang nating naiisip ang saya na nakahain sa ating harapan. madalas natin pinagtutuunan ng pansin ang mga lungkot at ang animo walang katapusang mga problema. dahil dito, hindi natin masyadong napapansin na sa kabila ng lahat ng mga pagsubok at pighati na ating nararamdaman sa ating buhay, higit na nakararami ang mga biyaya at kasiyahang ating tinatanggap sa kung sino man ang lumikha ng buhay.

madalas pala, sa aking pagninilay, na ipinagwawalang bahala ko ang maraming bagay at pagkakataon na maaari sanang nakapagbigay sa akin ng higit na kasiyahan at kapayapaan.. kaya lang, mas binigyan ko ng halaga ang mga hindi kanaisnais na mga biyas ng pighati at pagkamuhi. dahil sa mga ito, kahit na marami akong taong ninais paligayahin at tulungan, marami rin sa aking palagay ang aking nasaktan ang mga kalooban. ito marahil ang nagbibigay madalas ng bigat sa aking dibdib na hindi mahanapan ng lunas.

masaya ang buhay. mababait ang mga tao. ngunit nararapat na piliin mong mabuti ang tunay na mamahalin mo at mamahalin ka ring tunay. hindi lamang ikaw, pati na rin ang lahat ng mahal mo sa buhay, pati na rin siguro lahat ng kahinaan at kapintasan mo.. na kayang tanggapin ang buong pagkatao mo--mabuti, kasuklam suklam, nakakalito--lahat ng maaaring magamit na pang-uri ukol sa iyo..

masaya ang buhay. dapat maging masaya tayo sa kabila ng kalungkutang pabugso bugsong dumarating. masaya ang buhay. dapat nating isipin ang liwanag sa kabila ng dilim.
masaya ang buhay. kahit walang tulog sa paghahanapbuhay, nakakatuwang isipin na sa kabila ng kahit anong maisip mong masama, mayroong kapantay o humihigit pang kabutihan at kasiyahan.
masaya ang buhay. oras na para matulog ako. masaya ako. kahit malabo.

still a hero..

i feel with my fellow pinoys.. i saw the fight.. manny pacquiao fought good and hard to the end.. it was a good fight, and i dunno, maybe i'm just biased.. but for me... pacquiao was the real winner... considering that i am not really a boxing fan, from thousands of miles away, i was sincerely affected with the way he held on with bloodied face from a head butt.. not giving up for his country..

ang yabang mo eric morales, sabihin pa bang hindi mo naramdaman ang power ni manny pacquiao, eh montek ka na kayang patumbahin ng isang sugatan at halos bulag na pinoy na yun.. definitely not a gracious winner.. di bale... para sa mga puso ng mga pinoy, ikaw pa rin manny pacquiao ang nagwagi.. magiting na mandirigma, saludo ako sa yo!

a manny pacquiao versus erik morales sunday

i was planning on sleeping through this sunday to compensate for the the long stream of late nights and of course, for our recent northern road trip. but, woe of all woes, i couldn't sleep. everybody [the male population in our house, 2] was so excited about manny pacquiao's las vegas boxing fight with sumptin morales.. my manong was even asking about the possibility of calling the cable company for a pay-per-view service, just for this fight. anyway, it didn't push through since we were told that we had to do some stuff we didn't want to do at that moment. now, don't go imagining funny ideas there.. we were just to lazy to call and get the subscription number, etc etc. heheh

so, i called my brothers in vegas, who were about to go off from work early to watch this fight on cable{$50!!! wudja believveeee??}.of course i told them to give me "significant updates" as they happen. my kuya hurriedly agreed--he didn't want to waste time talking to me and miss out on some rounds or even a lucky punch, in the process..

he called me a bit later to inform me that the 4th round just ended and we have a bloody manny pacquiao in the ring.. it doesn't look good according to him.. i called the boys in the store to update them, but it didn't take long and my bro called in again to tell me that they were already in the 12th round--the decision round.. a few minutes later, the boys from the store called me and asked if the las vegas gringos had results already because a friend's relative texted to tell them that pacquiao won.. of course i called vegas again to confirm, but turns out, the mexican morales got the better of the philippine bet. maybe the person who texted the false announcement watched the pacquio-barrera fight.. or some other boxing personality.. i dunno.. oh well, i guess the philippine president who went to vegas just to watch this fight will be going back earlier than planned.. the whole nation will probably be grieving for a while over this-- as it is, many pinoys[me included] are now indoors, eagerly awaiting to see this fight....

don't think though that the boys downstairs are going to be content with this. of course they are already downing beers over manny "pacman" pacquiao's loss to mexico's "el terrible", and are now waiting to see the delayed telecast.. they can't rest not seeing why and how he lost.. and i can't wait to see their reactions and expressions when they do see the real thing.. good luck to them.. men, boys.. i can't see the difference now..

sunrise..sunset..

i was pretty excited that day and didn't realize how deep motherhood has crept into my veins until i saw myself rushing up, down and around the aisle just to take a quick foto of my son, who seemed to be totally oblivious of the self-induced stress and crazy exhiliration his father and i were experiencing on this very important day.

he was so unassuming and didn't even notice that it was not only his extremely biased parents who were directing considerable attention at him, but that he had also managed to make the other parents, with their own expected partialities, aware that he was, of course, more than average [that's an understatement from a fiercely devoted mama], and, with due respect to other parents and children, probably made them think for more than a few minutes that he was better than their own kid--and i'm telling you that doing that to parents, [especially mothers!!] would have to a feat of some kind..

i don't know what it was with him that made him that way. even i can't imagine sometimes. or probably i get too wrapped up in work sometimes that i just fail to stop and look and think what and who he is turning out to be. maybe today is also an important day because i was given some sort of warning to pay more attention, or else miss out on something really really important...

looking at him earlier, him standing with his schoolmates in that big space... it was impossible not to notice him, not because he was my son..i waa watching other parents watching him. i stood there and was confronted by the image of a dignified young man, with a solemn and intelligent face.. is that possible? am i allowed to describe a face as intelligent? da heck! it looked that way to me.. so, he looked so serene but sometimes breaks out in naughty smiles... a total turnaround from his rambunctious guffaws and playful stance. around him, his classmates were busily chatting with each other, crying, playing with something, looking around, walking around, shouting.... then there are times when this gentle young man would prod this group to straighten up and you would see them listening to him, and surprisingly, following his instructions.

actually i didn't know what he was telling them. i wasn't within earshot, but i see them all, almost simultaneously standing up 'more properly' , or some going to seats he was pointing out them, and then, starting to seemingly listen to what the priest was saying, etc. etc.

this didn't go unnoticed and the other parents were visibly impressed and were talking about this well-behaved" young lad who was obviously a "born leader" .. and i, by the sidelines was so proud as hell that was thinking of doing away with some of my hard-earned money and buying him a brand new car as soon as this event is over--as a reward for this impressive something something.. i still don't know what this something something is, probably the X factor that people were talkig about, but whatever.. yeps.. i think i'd buy my son a brand new car later.. one of his favorite Hotwheels for his nursery graduation.

You and I Both

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of
and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words.

the next karate kid

i'm watching the next karate kid again right now while working on some papers.. i really like miyagi's character here, as in all karate kid movies.. and now he's saying..

ambition without knowledge is like a ship on dry land...
.....the answers are only important if you ask the right questions..


ok, will write more when i have more time. have to get back to work and back to the boobtube..